I should preface this entry with some background. Just prior to leaving for a wedding/family reunion in Boulder I learned 2 things on the same day, in fact within an hours seperation. One my job would be ending June 6th and two that Bob will be selling the condo unit Mike and I live in and so will not be renewing our lease thus we have to move in the next month or so.
Just sitting here in a bar at the airport thinking to myself. Franca and I had some really good conversation today. It was really nice. We dropped mom off to her flight and now I’m just killing time before I have to go to my own. Back home, back to Seattle. I’m glad to be going home in so many ways. There are a few challenges when I get back there however. Firstly, there is the whole moving thing. What do I do about the living situation. Mike and I each have are own challenges mine at least as I see them are to face the fear of self-sufficiancy. If I look at it from another angle, we are supportive of each other in so many ways and our commitment and friendship to one another is really what supports the both of us and our “kids”. Franca asked me a question before I left when I was talking with her about the whole thing, she asked me if in the morning my life (and his) was better off than the day before and if I was happy. The answer to that most days (after my coffee of course) is yes it is better off. Our friendship and living together balances each other. My job history is so scattered and inconsistant that the idea of having only myself to lean on financially is somewhat scary. I know I can handle the rest of what comes with life. I have the utmost trust in my abilitys in this area. It’s only that one area that I’m not confident. I have to weigh that with what I believe is true about Mike. I think his challenges are his own. I’m not his caretaker and so his challenges as much as I may want to help him out and support him are his to attend to. The whole friendship issue is one that will sort itself out. I believe that we will remain friends wether we live together or not. If I were to find someone else that was right for me then I believe that we would still remain friends, I have that confidence about our friendship. My personal issues revolve around how I see myself, what Ken deserves out of life. I know on an intellectural level that I am a wonderful fabulous person a bit rough around the edges at time. I have a lot to offer a potential partner and really what I’m looking for is someone that will recognize and look for that in me as I will them. Some things that I think I need to work on for myself are my physical health, my desire at times to caretake too much which really is just a form of controlling behaviour. The lack of friends I feel lately really has so little to do with anything other than not reaching out into the community and meeting people not looking outside of what was immediately available to me. It’s not that these people that I do have as friends aren’t wonderful people, because they are, it’s more that I feel the need to meet more friends, gay and straight alike, to broaden my perspective. So what does all this mean for me once the plane lands in Seattle in a few hours time from now. It means that I will start reaching out to more folks in the community in a non-alcohol setting, becoming more involved in the things that interest me. I do want to move downtown, as much as I like it up in Greenwood, it’s time to live were the “action” is and things are more accessible. It’s a matter of us both getting what we want which is reciprical happiness. Which is not to say that I wouldn’t be happy living with Mike in North Seattle. I need to think more about this.
Work, what a loaded unpleasent idea. I need to find work that is foremost stable and interesting. Secondarily that pays well. I have over the years learned to live within a budget. It’s pleasent challenging work that I seek. I sometimes am not sure at all what I would like to be doing, I do computer work because it’s the one thing I know. I have learned these skills over the years and so it works, mostely. The industry is changing and folks as old as myself folks like myself are becoming less and less needed in the industry. I need to branch into the “next big thing”. Is that programming is it something entirely different, cooking perhaps. The one thing I can say with a certain degree of confidence is that I’m very happy in Seattle. I love most everything about Seattle and that is a wonderful and good thing. it used to be that I searched for a sense of happiness and peace about life by moving by new experiences and the adventure moving. Now, with a few years and a few moves behind me I look for these things in bettering myself. I have found my second home, my first being my family and my friends wereever they may be. Well, that’s about it for now. I have no immediate sense of having to do anything other than the business at hand. Packing, finding a new home for both of us, moving and a new job. I will also work on getting back into school and getting in better physical shape., but then these are all tied together, life is like that one and the other working out hand in hand.