Conscious Catholicism

Big journal entry here. Well after being really in a bad and pissy mood last night. I took it upon myself to do some more research into my family … I discovered that my paternal grandmother passed away lthis past December. Quite a shock to find that one out at 3 ish in the morning. Anyway, I back tracked and found a copy of her obit in what would have been her local paper. I discovered were my dad lives, for the first time!! It’s only been 24 years since I last spoke with him. Anyway, I debated back and forth wether I should call him, or write to him.. or what to do. I got to the point where I was like you know if I call and he doesn’t want anything to do with me then well hey I haven’t really lost anything more than I don’t already have… but if he does talk with me and we chat that would be so healing and good and make me (and possibly him) feel good. The short end of the story is that I called him and ended up leaving a message. I was really nervous about it but figured if he would probably call back. He did and I and got to speak with my Dad for the first time in almost a quarter of a century. It was weird and cool and wonderful and did I mention weird. He spoke a bit about my Mom, Nancy. We talked a little bit about him. He seemed genuianly happy to talk with me. He said he had been trying to find me for awhile now. Grandma Saunders wouldn’t give him any information about me. I have never understood that aspect of her thinking but then I am sure that she has her resaons. I have always known that I had a half-sister somewhere .. I vaguely remember her name being Terry .. which as it turns out it is and I do. He promised to send me some pictures later on in the week. He told me he would call Terry after we had gotten off of the phone and she called me back. It was really cool and nice to talk with her, she lives in Florida.. has a few kids and a husband. I am feeling so lucky to have been able to make at least this contact with my Dad. It has been such an empty part of my life growing up without a father that I never really thought of myself as having a Dad. I mean everyone does, but you just train yourself to not think in those terms when you don’t have one around. I have a father.. that is so cool. My hope is that sometime this summer I can go down to visit with him and my sister … I would probably combine it with a trip to Georgia to visit the Nazimova collection in Columbus. Anyway, that’s enough for now.. it’s getting really early or late as the case may be, it’s 3:30am … finish up with emails and then to bed.


Born in New York, Educated in the Berkshires, Became an adult in CA and found my Soul in Seattle. I'm a bearish middle aged, happy man who lives w my husbear in the OC.